A Look At 21st Century Dating

The End is Near

2009-11-02T10:03:40Z

I still haven't got my writing zing back. I don't know what is wrong with me. I think about writing all the time, I always have done, since I began my diaries when I was nine years old. But for some reason at the moment I am finding it so difficult.

However, I have forced myself to write today as this month is probably the most significant month I have had since Adam was born last year.

For I only have one month left with my wee boy until I go back to work. And even that month is going to be interrupted with initiation visits to the childminder. I am not sure if these stints with her are to prepare Adam or to prepare me.

I am actually looking forward to going back to work. That surprised me as much as anyone. I have always loved my job, but I thought that being a mum would wipe that out. Apparently not - once a journalist, always a journalist and I am looking forward to getting my teeth stuck into some juicy stories.

However, I won't pretend I am not worried about the impact it is going to have on my family - there simply won't be enough hours in the day to get everything done, but I am sure somehow it will all work itself out and we will eventually get into a routine.

I am trying not to think about it too much - as I say it will all turn our right in the wash.

The other major milestone we have this month is that Adam turns one. My wee boy is going to be one. I can't believe it. I am delighted and horrified all at the same time. Where did this year go?

But then, when you look at how much he has developed over the year, it is astounding. He has gone from being this tiny helpless, pink bundle, to a robust little boy who can crawl, clap, blow kisses, pretend to be a red Indian, pull himself up on the furniture, feed himself fruit to name just a few of his achievements. He is truly amazing. A real credit to his parents - only joking.

So my year of being a full time mummy is almost over and whilst there have been the odd days which have tested me to the limits, I can safely say that it has been the most amazing year of my entire life. Thank you to my two favourite boys for making it just so. I love you both.

Lost my Groove

2009-10-13T19:38:33Z

It was pointed out to me a few minutes ago - by my lovely dad - that I have not written is ages.

I am all too aware of this, but you see the thing is, I have lost my groove, and I can't get in the zone.

So much has been happening, that I think in some ways I have become a bit overwhelmed by it all, and instead of getting it all out on paper in the first place, I held it all in and now I am not sure where to start from again.

Here is a wee update going back over the last month:

Moved house, settled in new house, worried about cat, worried about Molly getting attacked by other dog in house, made phone calls to cancel loads of direct debits - joy, paid bills related to house move - boo, delivered furniture to friend’s house, celebrated Maria's birthday, looked after Adam who got ill, visited Laura Pollard, met the Arg, Adam puked in pub, had to take Adam to doctor at Laura Pollard's, I got ill at Laura Pollard's, came home early, had to stay with mum as was too ill to move...

Got better, looked after joiner who got same sickness bug me and Adam got, looked after Adam some more, took Adam to doc who said he was lactose intolerant, learnt about being lactose intolerant, worried about Molly who got attacked by other dog in house, went to Eden Court to see Ian Rankin, went to Eden Court with Adam for Wiggly Worm movement with your book!!!

Celebrated Kirsty’s birthday on a girls' night out to see Fame, found out about her new man, celebrated her birthday again with a curry, this time with the boys. Started to clear plot, Molly got stung by wasps whilst clearing plot, worried about her when her eye would not open, pulled ticks off cat who is now a country bumpkin, called vet to check Molly's eye which is now fine...

Sent e-mail to old pal explaining I had lost my urge to write, drank some wine, laughed at the joiner's mum who was going on her first caravanning holiday, tried to do painting with Adam, he wasn't impressed. Cleaned Molly who got blue paint up her nose, had mum and dad, Maria and Ski over for dinner to the farm, drank some more wine and watched X Factor.

Watched Harpers Island, bathed Molly as she fell in a sewer... yuck, did washing, packed bags for going to France, found passports, picked Adam's nose as it was full of hard bogeys, took call from garage asking if my Fiesta was okay, told them I sold it six months ago, went to Inverness to get Euros, laughed at dad who moaned about price of Euros, bought tights, bought salad, went for massage and manicure, ate tea and then blogged.

Off to France in the morning...... now wondering if I have spelt bogies right?!

Time to say goodbye

2009-09-19T16:47:38Z

Just a quickie - it's our last night here in Virginia Terrace. I feel sad, there have been some momentous moments here. Some of the most significant life events a person can have have happened to me in this home.

But most of all, I feel relieved. I love this house so much, I have said it so many times. But there is no doubt in my mind that myself, the joiner, Adam, Salem and Molly are making the right move. We are on another adventure together, and as long as we are together, we will be well.

My head is swimming and it is annoying me that my mind can't stop to cherish the good times here. My mind is like a butterfly only giving me a snapshot of everything that I have been through in this house - the good and the bad.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has helped me create memories here. The biggest ones for me - outside of course from it being my family's first home - are the parties - my favourite being celebrating Maria's 30th birthday here.

My other biggest look back is the day I brought Molly home. She was slipping and sliding all over the place.

But now, it's time to say goodbye. So long to Virginia Terrace, and au revoir to Nairn. I will miss it here.

Going through the motions not the emotions

2009-09-01T20:46:40Z

The joiner is in hospital. It was very serious for a while, it is still serious now but he is on the mend. I can't be bothered to go into the ins and outs of it all. All I need to say is he has been there since Sunday and there is still no clear idea when he is coming home.

It all happened on our first weekend away together. Typical. The joiner had booked us a trip - two nights in a hotel and white water rafting. I ended up doing the rafting on my own and the rest of the time was spent in the hotel room sleeping.

It is times like this that you realise how important someone is to you. This time I realise that the joiner is not just important to me as my boyfriend, but he is our son's daddy. He has to be fit and healthy for him. There is no one more important than our boy and to him, at the moment, there is nobody more important than me and the joiner.

But I really love him. I am very open with him about how I feel, I am sometimes maybe too over the top, but I really do love him not with all my heart, but with my whole body. Cheesy I know, but it is all consuming.

In other news, I might as well talk about the fact that the house has been sold officially. It is all signed and sealed. We move out in less than three weeks.

I had not managed to find the time nor pluck up the courage to write about this - partly I think because once it is down on paper, I will have to believe it, and partly because I am actually not sure how I feel about everything.

The whole house is a mess.

Adam's room is the only room which remains intact - to a degree - his books have already been taken to where we will be staying and some of his toys already have a new home. It is in his room that I have to hold back the tears. Especially as now he is taking notice of the murals his Auntie Laura drew for him.

I sound disappointed - I am not. I am delighted that our plans are taking shape. I think I am just too tired with everything at the moment to take it all in. I am going through the motions without thinking about the emotion. It will come though, it always does with me - usually when I least expect it.

Moving House - A bit like pregnancy, labour and birth?!

2009-08-11T14:18:39Z

MOVING house and building a new one, I am starting to think is a little like being pregnant, labour and then giving birth with my solicitor being a little bit like the midwife - talking me through all the various options we have and reassuring me that it will, in the end all be okay.

Pregnancy is a scary yet exciting time - just like selling and moving house. You have taken the decision to do something so momentous and wonderful, but at the same time, it is frightening. It is to a degree an unknown the first time you do it, especially like us, when you don't actually have a solid house to be moving to.

You want to move, just like you want to have a baby, but the two things still come with their own worries.

Life as we know it will never be the same again.

Being pregnant in terms of selling houses is the part where you spruce everything up. You tidy the home, paint walls and make it saleable. In pregnancy, you look after yourself, you eat well, you try to stay healthy whilst the bloke does any practical jobs, like setting up the cot, painting the baby's room etc.

The next part is where we are at the moment and I liken this to the labour. There are a lot of false alarms and a lot of preparations to be done for the viewers, estate agents and solicitors.

The first stage of labour in the world of house selling is getting the offer, the second stage is accepting the offer and moving out and the third stage is the birth - i.e. moving in.

For us, the third stage is going to be drawn out - very similar to my own experience of having Adam. That took 18 hours - this, from when we submit the planning application to moving in will take around 18 months.

This silly comparison arose to me this morning, and whilst I don't want to count my chickens, it looks as though we may be getting two solid offers on the house, and now that it is happening, I feel a little... I don't know the word... scared, sad, happy, elated, excited, frightened. There are so many emotions bubbling away.

I am going to miss this house so much. I can't believe that this is actually all happening.

Very soon we are going to be leaving Virginia Terrace and we will be living at the farm, whilst we build our new family home.

I am not meaning to sound negative about it, that is not how I feel. I just feel a little swept away by it all.

Virginia Terrace has been my home for eight years. It has lots of memories, most importantly for me, that it is Adam's first home. I am sad that he will not remember the beautiful murals his Auntie Laura drew for him and it breaks my heart that his height chart which we created on one of the walls of his room and which we filled in so eagerly on his return from the hospital, will remain with this house's structure.

This house, which for so long, was just bricks and mortar, is now a home and that is all down to the joiner and Adam. This house now has a heart.

However, I know it will all be okay in the end. I know this, because everything I have done with the joiner has turned out perfectly so far. He is my lucky charm and with him around I can't ever imagine things going wrong.

A Day in the Life - well up to 4pm. A whole lot happens after then too

2009-07-30T15:18:47Z

Got up, ate breakfast before Adam got up, gave Adam banana and yog, put Adam back to bed, checked e-mails, put on washing, hung up washing, put on more washing, shouted at Molly for getting under feet. Played with Adam. Comforted Adam after he hit his face on wooden floor. Panicked when I saw blood. Relaxed when he laughed at Molly. Got dressed, got Adam dressed, fed Adam more food, changed Adam as food got on clothes. Got ready to go out, left Molly in hall whilst went to butcher to order meat for party, fetched Molly and met Angela for walk. Estate agent rang to book another viewing - TODAY. Panicked and wondered how I would get house clean in time. Shouted at Molly for running away and not listening. Picked up Molly muck. Went to mum's to feed rabbit and wonder if cat which has been missing for almost two weeks would be there. It wasn't. Left Molly at Mum's and anticipate she may get shouted at again when I pick her up.

Came home, fed Adam, made pizzas from scratch for girly lunch, made coffee for girls, put Adam to bed, finished off pizzas. Chatted with girls. Got Adam up. Cleaned upstairs whilst girls entertained Adam. Ate wedding cake. Drank more coffee. Girls left. Fed Adam yet more food and sat down for a ten minute breather. Put Adam to bed for nap, hoovered downstairs and hoped Hoover would not wake Adam. Wrote this blog.

He is in reverse

2009-07-29T08:28:50Z

I have four months and one day until I go back to work - where has the time gone? In some ways I can't wait to go back, in other ways, I am worried about it. I am not going to go into it all again, but put simply, when is everything going to get done?

Anyway, enough about that, our boy is changing everyday. In the last two days he has learnt to clap, and he has mastered giving me kisses. So cute and even more wonderful as it is only me he will give them to. Although some people may be thankful for that, as they are big open mouthed slobbery kisses that make him howl with laughter. Wow tears in my eyes just writing that. I am way too soppy.

He has also almost mastered crawling - but he can only do it backwards. Maybe I am also being one of those mums who is being a bit "my son is better than your son" as it is not exactly crawling - it's more of a worm type movement. I thought about getting him fitted with a rear view mirror, indicators and a button he can press that goes beep, beep, beep, when he is on the move. So far today and it has only just gone nine, he has whacked his head off the wooden floors, then he got his legs stuck round the foot stool, and this was followed by a mad backwards dash across the living room floor, the rug slowed him down a wee bit and he was eventually stopped when he got stuck under the sofa. Needless to say we have a lot of laughs, but I am already shattered and wondering if it is too early to hit the bottle so I can get through the day feeling a little numb and hazy! Only kidding.

We also have our house plans through and I love it - so excited about it all, now that I have something solid to look at. I keep getting them out and gazing at them imagining where all our furniture is going to go. We also have two house viewings this week, so that has to be positive.

We have two weeks until our big party too. A party to celebrate all our new beginnings, Adam being the most important one of course, I have written a speech, but I am not sure whether to do it or not. I will judge it on the day. The thing is, I cry even when I am just practising it. What has happened to me? I have always been sentimental, but this is ridiculous. I cry at everything. I suppose there is a lot going on. A lot has happened and is happening in a very short space of time. I mean how many people get divorced, find someone wonderful, have a baby, take a year off work, put a house on market, decided to build a new house and then go back to work all in the space of a year and a half?

When will it all calm down? I don't actually care - I love my life - I am lucky and if this rollercoaster continues, then you can be sure I will be on it, screaming to go faster.

Hormones

2009-07-16T07:22:12Z

As usual in my life so much and yet so little has been happening.

Last week me and the boy had the most horrendous time of it.

He cried almost constantly for five days solid, I cried a lot of the time too.

He was teething we think, although there is still no sign of the little blighters.

I was hormonal!!! Since I had Adam, that part if my life seems to have taken a turn for the worse. To be blunt, I have turned into a complete bitch and my thought process which usually leaves me a reasonable level headed person is blurred by a haze of hormones. I was nasty last week. I knew I was being nasty and I just couldn't help it. It wasn't a nice situation and I am already dreading next month. I think the joiner is too. If this continues, I will be making a trip to the doctors or the complimentary therapist to get some advice. I cannot go through that one week out of four forever. I just can't.

However, our week was rounded off by a beautiful Sunday which made up for the disaster that was Monday to Friday.

The joiner probably still in fear of his life in case my hormones kicked off came on a walk with me, the boy and Molly. It was much needed time together. The joiner has been working hard to offset the fact that I have no earnings at the moment.

So in the morning we went on a two hour jaunt which included breakfast at Basil, a little Bistro on Nairn harbour.

In the afternoon we palmed Adam off on a friend and got a free lunch at the new golf club at Castle Stuart. The joiner had been working there, and the owners asked us along so they could test the kitchens and waiting staff before it officially opened.

When you haven't got a lot of dosh, you would be a fool to sniff at a free lunch. It was a great day out. I don't know anything about golf, but the club certainly looked very impressive.

Generally life is good. I am frustrated that I have all this time on my hands but I have no money to actually do the things I hoped I would. I had big plans to visit friends and family all over the country, but to be frank, I am struggling to get the money together even to drive to Edinburgh to see my Granny and other family.

However, that is not stopping us throwing a party next month. I am not sure the joiner really gets it, but as we are planning on leaving this house soon, I felt the need to throw one last bash. I also wanted to do something for Adam in place of a christening. it's a kind of "Hello Adam, Goodbye Virginia Terrace Party."

So that's that, my life in a nutshell.

The boy is once again stuck on his front and is starting to gurn. This happens around 30 times a day and is very frustrating for both him and me. Better go before he really kicks off.

I will be back soon.

P.S Before I got to him to turn him the right way round, he did it himself. Big round of applause for my boy. Hip Hip Hooray.

Update

2009-07-02T09:46:37Z

I have been really slack in blogging. It's hard to keep up the momentum sometimes. So much yet so little has happened since I last wrote.

Our boy is growing at an alarming rate and this week has mastered rolling from his back to his front. However, he seems to have forgotten how to get back again even though he mastered this art a few weeks ago. He has not yet cut any teeth, but he is still managing to munch his way through a crazy amount of food. Prunes and lentils being his faves. Hippy.

In terms of the house - there is not much movement. We have had one viewing and the guy said he was going to put in an offer - that was almost a month ago now and we have heard nothing.

We have however seen our architect and should get our first house design through the post any day now.

In general life is good. Yesterday was spent drinking Pimms and watching the tennis, tonight I am going to a launch for an evening wear collection at my friend's shop and at the weekend we have a wedding dance.

However, the money for being a mum could be better - so much so that I have thought about going back to work early. I am missing work and I am looking forward to going back, but I hope that we can manage until November when our boy turns one. That seems like the natural time to be returning.

Anyway, my boy currently looks like a stranded tortoise only the opposite way round - he is stuck on his front and is about to kick off if I don't put him the right way round.

Will blog again soon.

Family Fun

2009-06-02T07:40:52Z

I have had an amazing few days in the sun.

Friday and Saturday morning were spent getting the vegetable patch ship shape. I have to admit I had let things go. It's difficult to get across there with the wee man. He loves being outside, but that is not always easy when it is cold. But thanks to the great weather we have been having we spent two days over there, and I have to admit the patch is looking great.

The tatties, of which there are four types, are coming on nicely. The cauliflowers, now they are protected by some chicken wire and fleece are doing much better and the onions and garlic look marvellous. I even managed to get the beetroot in too.

On the Saturday, I roped my mum and dad in to help. The joiner was working and there is no way I would have got all the weeding, digging and planting done without their efforts.

On Saturday afternoon, me and the wee man passed the time in mum and dad's garden, then we took a little walk along Nairn beach where Adam had his first paddle in the Moray Firth He was not bothered, seemed to quite like the sand between his toes.

But I have to admit that whilst this was all great fun, Sunday was by far my favourite day.

We spent the afternoon at a secluded patch on the River Findhorn which the joiner used to frequent with his late step-father. I don't think I have ever had so much simple fun. What I mean by that is that all we had was a picnic, a couple of towels, the river and the stunning landscape to entertain us, but that is all we needed.

Swimming in the river was my favourite, especially as it meant that I got to take a dip with Molly who couldn't quite get her head round the fact I was swimming with her, in what is normally her territory.

The weekend for us was all about family - Adam at some point or another got to see all his grandparents, and on Sunday, the joiner took the day off to spend time with us. And as some wise old man recently told me - there is nothing more important than family.

It's Really Happening

2009-05-22T10:26:45Z

THINGS are moving on a pace with the early plans to build our own pad.

I have mortgage appointments set up, an estate agent coming to do the necessary measurements and pictures to entice buyers to take a look and then hopefully splash out.

I have contacted a surveyor to start the ball rolling on the home report which by the way for us, will cost around £460. Not cheap.

And this weekend my mum and I are blitzing the house to get it ready for viewers. We will be cleaning windows, carpets, skirtings and floors. We will be sorting out cupboards and trying to de-personalise my home. Not easy for someone who has taken a billion pictures of her boy and who has about a million of them on display. As if I don't see him enough in person.

I also have packing boxes on order so I can pack away the stuff we don't use regularly. It's all go.

And so far, I feel okay about it all. I took a deep breath this morning when a letter arrived from the surveyor. In my head I uttered the words, "This is all really happening," It wasn't a morbid, I don't want to go for it type sentence, it's just I didn't expect things to be moving so fast.

However, I am under no illusion that things will continue at this pace. At the moment we are jumping through all the necessary hoops to get this house sold, but I suppose there will be a big lull whilst we wait for viewers and hopefully a buyer. The market ain't what it used to be.

The joiner has not really got involved at this stage. There is not much really he can do, however, every evening he has been tinkering away on the internet looking into ground source heat pumps and solar panels for our new house. I have been given the job of sourcing the best type of insulation. I have been told that the best is the sort made from sheep's wool. I have yet to find time to do the research.

Grand Designs Part 2

2009-05-20T07:27:54Z

It was a year ago to the day that I last blogged about this subject and here I am again quite by coincidence about to write about building our own house. I can't believe it was May 20 last year that I wrote about this first. Strange.
The joiner and I have in theory secured ourselves a plot of land - the same plot I mentioned last year. Like last year, I am not - at the moment - going to reveal where the plot is. Call me cautious.
But as I say, we have in theory got some land. We need to secure the mortgage, which I don't think will be a problem, and we need to sell the flat which I can see being a big problem.
I love my flat. It is huge and has beautiful traditional features including three open fire places, deep skirtings and large cornices.
However, it is above a shop and I think that will put people off coming to see it. Our flat needs to be seen to be appreciated.
Apart from that very tiny concern, I am excited about the prospect of creating our own home from scratch. I know it will be hard work, but surely the end project will make up for all the heartache.
I want this to be our forever-ever house as I have taken to calling it. I want it to be the place where all my children are going to grow up. I want it to be the home they fly the nest from, and the home they come back to, to seek comfort, or show off girlfriends and boyfriends, or bring their friends to for the weekend. I want it to be our family home. I want to start measuring Adam's height on the door frame in he kitchen as soon as we move it, and chart it every year until he is too big for me to persuade him to do it anymore. I want to have my own vegetable patch and hens running around the garden.
I know it all sounds very idealistic, but why not? Why can't we attain that dream.
I wrote last year that the joiner's passion for building his own place is contagious. it has always been his dream, and now he allowed me to jump on board with him and we now have shared dream.
I am sad to be leaving the flat, it has lots of memories. Some sad, some very happy.
But my sadness is not a heart wrenching sadness, but a comforting, the time is now right sadness. It is time to move on and create something that is solely for our family. It is all about us and the future, and nothing to do with the past

It's as though nothing happened

2009-05-07T16:39:26Z

It's hard to remember how crap I felt following my c-section, but I certainly wasn't bouncing around the house with a teddy in my mouth two days after it. Dogs are so resilient.

Molly is fine. I feel a little bit of a fool for getting so worked up about getting her spayed.

The night I brought her home was difficult. I almost burst into tears at the vets, but I managed to hold on to my tears until I got home. She was still drugged up and looked so sleepy and sad. She cried constantly and the only way she would sleep was if I lay with my hand on her tummy. She did that when she was a puppy too.

But the next day she was fine. In fact, if I hadn't put her on the lead to take her for her tiny walk, she would have bounced out the gate and along the High Street as though nothing had happened.

She also seems quite happy with me. I imagined that she might have shunned me for putting her through this ordeal and taking away her lady bits, but she really isn't all that bothered. I still feel guilty, but know that in the long run it is for the best - not just for her, but for the family too. The thought of trying to walk her again whilst she was in season, was just too much. She was just getting too frisky and sooner or later she was going to either pull me and Adam off our feet and wheels, or we would have had an accidental pregnancy.

I have said before how much me and Molly have been through together - now we share matching scars too. How silly am I, but I do feel I know a little of how her tummy must feel. At least though, I had an Adam for my troubles. All Molly has got is some TLC and plenty of pigs' ears!!

Molly

2009-05-05T08:38:12Z

Molly is at the vets today. She is getting spayed. I feel awful. It took me all my time not to cry whilst in the consultation room. Silly I know, as it is a routine procedure and I know she will be fine. I also forgot to leave her with her frog and blanket. In my haste to get out of the room before I burst into tears, I simply forgot to leave them.

I just feel bad for her. The plan was to always let her have a litter or two, But at almost her fifth birthday I am still Living in a flat, and it is not ideal. The vet has said that by the time she is six - ironically probably around the time that we will have a garden - she will be too old.

I am also worried it will change her - I have heard stories that it can change their temperament and make them put on weight. I don't know if this is true, and was unable to get a straight answer from the vet - I suppose all dogs are different.

Molly is just perfect as she is. Don't get me wrong, she is not the most obedient dog in the world, but she does alright. She still runs around like a crazy puppy, and her nature is good. We have been through a lot together - she is part if the family.

Lodger time again

2009-04-30T08:28:28Z

Things are coming on a pace in the veg patch. Our tatties, onions and garlic are in and the latter are already starting to show signs of growth.

The greenhouse is all cleared out from last year's vines which had turned an interesting shade of yellow, and were all tangled and twisted. Jake himself wanted to do the tomatoes last year, so this year, I am winging it. I have got the grow bags in and I have rigged up a kind of string trellis, the tomatoes should they grow will be able to cling to. I didn't come up with that idea myself - I just copied what Jake had done last year.

We have also planted a raspberry bush and some cauliflower seeds. We still need to make some kind of protective shelter for them so they don't get eaten.

Still to go in are the peas, courgettes, sweetcorn, broccoli and beetroot.

In other news - we may be getting another lodger. We had one guy view last night, he seemed really nice, but we couldn't beat the offer a place in Elgin at £200 a month. However, we have another guy coming round tonight to have a look. We are in two minds about renting, but to be honest, we could do with the cash. Whist I love being on maternity leave, the pay for being a mummy doesn't quite cut it. The lodger will ease things considerably.

A Living Tribute

2009-04-20T10:33:18Z

We have started on the vegetable patch again but this year we are doing it with heavy hearts. For the joiner's granddad who kept us right last year, and ensured we had a hefty crop of tatties, leeks, and onions died last week.

He had been ill on and off for a number of years and last week was him time.

But yesterday, in what me and the joiner believe is a fitting tribute to Granda, we spent the whole day weeding and then planting our first crops.

It was a blinding day, Adam lay on his blanket in the sun, whilst we dug, raked and planted. It was only when we got home after seven hours of hard labour that we realised we were sunburnt.

Some might say that Jake was looking down, knowing we wanted to get the patch looking good for him, and that he had a quiet word with whoever controls the weather to make sure we had perfect conditions.

We have planted four kinds of tatties, two types of onion and garlic so far. But more is planned.

It was strange day, I kept expecting Jake to come out into the garden and bark orders at us, or get frustrated at us because we weren't doing things his way. There were a couple of times when I rested my head on my fork and tears welled up just thinking of Jake and wondering whether he would be happy with out efforts.

I think the joiner needed the time too, we were very quiet all day and simply tended to out separate areas of the patch wishing Jake was there to remind us what to do.

I think we have done it okay. It looks good. Time will only tell when hopefully the veg starts growing.

There is something actually very poignant about planting crops in a tribute to someone. This may sound a little cheesy, but as our crop starts to grow, it will be easier to think of Jake. It is a living tribute.

I hope this year is even more successful than last year so that we do Jake proud.

Thank you Granda Harper for teaching me how to grow vegetables.

Vive La France

2009-04-13T15:54:31Z

I have met an old friend. This old friend of mine used to be a regular part of my life, but then for a while we lost touch.
Now we have found each other again, and this recent meeting has put a spring in my step.
It is the type of friend that refreshes you, reminds you of the good things in life and always ensures you get a good meal.
My old friend is France. I love France, I always have and I always will. My family have been holidaying there for as long as I can remember. Most years I have visited the country at least twice.
But last year, due to having Adam I never got there and it really bothered me.
But now I have had my fix and I have vowed not to leave it so long the next time. In fact, the joiner and I are already planning a trip for September.

I visited France this time with mum, dad and the wee man. For Adam it was his first overseas trip. We were staying in my parents mobile home in a town called Pont-Aven in Brittany.
I just love it there. Life generally seems a lot more simple and for the most part revolves around food, wine, family and mealtimes. My four great loves in life too.
You have to love a country whose population actually bothers to take a lunch break. And I can't help admire the produce and the supermarkets either. Visiting the supermarket is an experience in itself. Can you imagine going into your local shop here and seeing live langoustine, crabs and lobsters? It puts us to shame. Everything from the spectacular cakes and pastries to the pates, cheeses and meats is presented so well. I am actually a little embarrassed that we get left with the likes of Tesco with its mass produced products which come in cardboard boxes! Or its vacuum packed shellfish! Why do the French make it look so easy, yet we find it so hard to produce simple, fresh food? I don't think I will never know the answer.

Forever Friends?

2009-03-27T15:36:41Z

I have a new group of friends I haven't told you about and I found them in the most unexpected place.

My group of five comrades (six including myself) are all different, but we share a common bond which means that over the last six months, we have grown closer and now I would count these lovely ladies as high ranking pals.

I found them at the parentcraft classes - you remember? The ones me and the joiner were dreading. The same classes that we thought were going to be full of either know it alls, pushy parents, chavs or those who simply wanted to keep up with the joneses.

How wrong I was!

The thing with our group is that I believe we are la crème de la crème of the Parentcraft class. We are the best little entourage there could be. All our babies are obviously of similar age, but they are all so different. Some are on solids, other are rolling over, some are pukey, others are sleeping through the night. Not one of the gang is a know-it-all and each mum allows the other mums to bask in their babies' achievements, even if their own wee one accomplished that same task yonks ago.

We are also very like-minded - we are all professionals and all of us are going back to work - some already have.

Our friendship started with a coffee after one of the meetings, then we all went on maternity leave and we met up religiously every Wednesday from then on. At first, it was a way of passing some time with like-minded people who were in the same boat. We were friends, but the talk was simply about being pregnant.

But as each baby was born, so did new dimensions of our relationships with each other and I am happy to say we are now firm friends. We have helped each other through bambino issues, even if we have not solved the quandaries, it is certainly true that a problem shared is a problem halved. But now our friendships have bloomed and we talk about all manner of things from wedding planning, sex and the hubbies, to relationship issues, and problems with the in-laws.

We have been on a night out together, we walk the dogs and took part in baby massage as a group. We have been swimming with the wee ones and gone to the "baby cinema" at Eden Court. Recently our adventures even saw us hitting the pub - in the afternoon -with babies in tow! A little bit chavvy, but it was a sunny day and why not?

After the first parentcraft class I wrote that I thought it wasn't really that helpful. I don't feel I learnt a lot from the sessions. However, where the Parentcraft classes have excelled is in providing me with a new group of mates.

I don't know where our friendships will lead. In an ideal world it would be great to continue to meet up regularly, as not only is it lovely for us, but it is great for our kids to have a strong group of mates. How perfect it would all be if they were still all pals when they were 18! However, it all sounds and bit sugary sweet and life isn't always like that. When we all start going back to work, it will be much harder to meet up. Our lives are gradually and naturally going to get more hectic.

However, I hope I am right in saying that even if the weekly get togethers fall by the wayside and perhaps turn to monthly nights out, or six monthly catch ups over a quick cup of coffee - that we will still all be there for one another even if it's at the end of the phone, or via text message.

Because one thing which I am certain about, is that if I didn't have this group of girls, the tail end of my pregnancy and this last few months with Adam would not have been half as easy and would not have been nearly as much fun as they have been. Cheers girls x

Bawdy and Garish - was that really how it was?

2009-03-26T09:13:16Z

I Think about the ex everyday. Even now, almost two years since I found out about his affair. I don't think of him in a fond way, it's more of a "I can't believe that happened" kind of way. It usually happens when I am in the car. I do most of my sombre thinking in the car. After my granddad died I used to think about him in the car all the time. I would often weep on my way to work just thinking of things we used to do together. Maybe it's because I found out he had died when I was in the car? Morbid or what?

Anyway, I sometimes try and remember some good times that me and the ex had, but I just can't. I know there were some, but it seems that the enormity of what happened has somehow made any good memories disappear. Even my wedding day is hard to recall. I know it was a great day, I remember having sore cheeks from smiling so much, I loved my dress and the ex wore a kilt, but I can't actually feel any of it anymore. I am numb to it.

I try and remember what he looked like, or how we looked together and I just can't. It's as though someone has removed that part of my memory box. I know the memories are there but they are locked away.

I sometimes sit here and try really hard. I shut my eyes tightly and try to transport myself back in time to remember but it never works. Some images come back, but they come back in a dreamlike way. All swirly and blurry. They sometimes seem quite freaky - the ex looking clown like and being bawdy and garish.

I sometimes see pictures of the ex via facebook. I had the "pleasure" of seeing pictures of him on a friend's page recently and again he just didn't seem real. Was I really ever with him? Did that actually really happen?

Mothering Sunday

2009-03-22T20:13:35Z

Mother's Day was really no different than any other Sunday for me, other than the fact that my usual breakfast in bed came with a bouquet of flowers and a card from "my little rascal." I am a very smug, lucky lady.

However, the day did have a certain air of something special about it. I felt special.

I know that Mother's Day in most ways is very similar to Valentine's Day. It's a commercial exercise to get us to waste vast amounts of money on over-priced greetings cards and crappy flowers.

However, when the boy brought me my flowers (which were far from crappy) and had his little saliva covered hands clasped tightly round the card I have to admit this was one commercial bandwagon I was happy the joiner had jumped aboard.

The rest of the day was spent split between my mum's house and the joiner's mum's place where we had one of the best Sunday roasts I think I have ever eaten.

Apart from the flowers and card, the day proceeded as most other days do: Feed Adam, clear up puke (CUP), CUP, CUP, CUP, change Adam, CUP, CUP, CUP, feed Adam, CUP, CUP, CUP, change Adam's clothes, CUP, change Adam, CUP, CUP, CUP, CUP, feed Adam, CUP, CUP, CUP, bath Adam, feed Adam, sleep. PHEW!!

Obviously we play with him too and go for walks, but most of the day is spent mopping up puke.

Molly has come in very handy in such scenarios. She has learnt that if the boy burps, there is usually a load of vomit which follows, and to her, this vom is like the dog's Bo**ocks of doggy treats. Grosse I know, but quite handy when you are on your own and the floor, sofa, your clothes and Adam's clothes are covered. The Exorcist springs to mind.

However, Adam's sickiness has led us to try him on solids. The idea being that it will eventually help him keep his milk down.

We started yesterday and the baby rice went down okay. He was hardly eager for more and squirmed a bit when the rice plopped into his mouth. I tried it and would hardly have been jumping for joy either. However, I was surprised that he instinctively knew that he needed to open his mouth when the spoon came at him, and that he knew he needed to chomp a bit.

However, as a test today we tried him on a rusk mixed with the baby rice and milk meaning this goo was a lot sweeter. The wee man could not get enough of it and he made all the right sounds too. I already have a stash of pureed potions in the freezer so tomorrow we are going to try baby rice with sweet potato! Scrummy. I will let you know how it's going once I have the been there, done that and got the goo splattered t-shirt!

Busy and Lazy

2009-03-15T20:47:24Z

I have not been writing as much as I would like - I am too busy and too lazy - can you be both of those things at the same time?

Things are going great, but they are also in some ways going not so great.

Me, the joiner and the boy are still plodding along having a great time. I am still enjoying be a mum, and whilst there are days when I think it would be a hell of a lot easier just to go back to work, 99 per cent of the time, I have no complaints.

This is where the problem lies - because I am loving this life so much, I am already struggling with the notion that eventually I will have to go back to working in an office again - away from my boy. I can't get my head round it - so much so that for two nights last week I cried myself to sleep.

I will be going back to work - that is certain. I am not worried about getting back into the swing of things there and I am not actually too concerned about leaving our little ginger boy in someone else's care.

But what does make me well up every time I think about it - is just how much I will miss. Everyday he is doing new things. He can now hold stuff, and put them in his mouth. He has favourite toys already and I know what his favourite games and songs are. We have such fun together. Swimming is our new favourite pastime. I know these things maybe don't sound that significant to those who don't have kids, but these are massive milestones for him. This time last year he was just a tiny peanut, now he is a real live boy (Okay so he is not Pinocchio, but you get the idea.)

I have actually found two childminders - I needed to do it this early in the hope that it will ease my mind a little. It has helped and turns out that I was right to start the search a massive eight months before I am due back at the Highland News towers - as it's quite a competitive business.

So no final decision has been taken, but now the groundwork has been done, time is on our side and I hope I can put my back to work blues behind me, at least for a little while and just enjoy these precious months with my little man.

Going Solo

2009-02-20T22:01:20Z

I AM on my own tonight and I am cream crackered. The joiner has gone through to the Granite city to get drunk with his little brother and his car is getting serviced in the morning, so Adam and I are going solo.
We have had a great day, we haven't done much, but we have had lots of giggles, went for a short walk and I got a few chores done.
But now I am pooped, and not having the joiner to help out this evening has left me shattered. I am looking forward to tomorrow afternoon when he returns.
Being on my own though, albeit for one whole day, a night and a morning has led to me wanting to give a big shout out to all those people who are raising kids alone. Without meaning to sound patronising, I admire you and I know that I would struggle to do it.
The joiner being away however, did stir up some unsettling feelings. I must stress he has done nothing to worry me, but when he told me that he, his little brother and some mates were going out in Aberdeen, the insecure, cheated on side of me started to bubble, and a few irrational thoughts entered my head.
Questions such as: "Is he really going to Aberdeen?," "maybe he is meeting a girl,", and "maybe the lads will egg him on and urge him to cheat", all entered my head. These questions popped in my head so fast, I could hardly believe they were there. The joiner has never given me any reason to question him. Like I have written so many times before, he has made this relationship so easy and straightforward.
With the ex there were often doubts and now in hindsight I can see that the relationship was far from easy.
I quickly tried to quash these new concerns, but I am annoyed that somehow they managed to come to the surface. I suppose the very fact that I am writing about them now, means that they are still there at the back of my mind. I am irritated that this is probably how I will always be. I don't actually think the joiner is doing any of the things that popped into my muddled mind, but it makes me cross that because of the past, these thoughts exist. I suppose in a way it is a defence mechanism or a way of protecting myself.

It's like feeding a donkey...

2009-02-13T08:12:48Z

Not a sentence I expected to hear in my lounge on a cold, blustery afternoon, especially when it was directed at my lovely mum, but given that it was her mum, my gran who said it to her, I guess it is allowed.

My mum was feeding Adam at the time, and wanted a biscuit, her hands were obviously tied up, so gran gestured the custard cream towards mum's mouth. Mum opened wide, and so did gran with her very descriptive words of how she felt mum looked. We were in fits.

A lot has happened since I last wrote., The major one for me and Adam has been that I have introduced a bottle. I have finally discovered that it is not that Adam doesn't like the breast feeding - he is just too nosey to do it when we are out and about. So to save myself from the stress and tears I have introduced the bottle for when we are not in the house. Luckily for me, Adam doesn't care where his food comes from as long as he is getting it. I now have the best of both worlds.

He is also less windy and constipated on formula - the opposite to what you are told by the professionals.

One downside of formula, and so far this is the only one I have discovered, is the poo. Yep that's right I am going to talk about poop. It's disgusting. When he was exclusively breast fed. Adam's poop was relatively nice. It was runny, didn't smell and more importantly didn't stick to his bottom. It was sometimes explosive, but I could cope with that.

Formula faeces on the other hand stinks and I am thinking of investing in a pressure washer to help with the nappy changing process.

For the family the major change has been that my sister Kayleigh and fiancé Peter got married at the weekend. There were a few hiccups leading up to their big day, but the occasion itself was beautiful.

The ceremony and reception was held at the Claymore House Hotel which I would highly recommend.

And the service was performed by Angie Alexandra, an interfaith minister. It was beautiful and personal and I hope that Kayleigh and Pete, when they eventually get off cloud nine, sit down and watch the recording of the service and really listen to what she said as it was very wise.

I would like to get married again - I am in no rush to, but one day I would like to do it all again. It wouldn't be like before, just a simple ceremony, with probably just me and the joiner and a couple of witnesses.

The joiner asked me why I felt it was so important - I joked and said I want a nice piece of jewellery.

Seriously though, I am not sure. I think I would feel more secure. But on the other hand, I don't feel insecure with the way things are at the moment. .

I think it is just because that is the traditional way of things, and because of the way I have been brought up I think it is the right thing to do.

I admire my parents who have been married for over 30 years. I want a piece of that. But again, why do I have to be married to have that.

I suppose part of me wants to prove that I can be married successfully - I don't know who I want to prove it to, myself maybe. But I know in my heart that proving something wrong, is not the best reason to tie the knot again.

Anyway, it is not an issue as I am not doing anymore asking. If we are to get married the joiner will have to ask, and as he is not that bothered, we will have to continue living in sin, with our illegitimate child, waiting for the devil to some and whisk us away!!

Unexpected Exercise

2009-01-22T19:02:24Z

My morning began with a run down Nairn High Street - no I wasn't being eager and keen to get back into shape - I was in fact chasing Molly who is in season. I had let her out to go to the toilet but instead she clapped eyes on a dog that took her fancy and decided to chase it!!

I wouldn't have minded but I was in blue stripy pyjama bottoms, a cardigan, trainers which I hadn't actually put on properly and to top it all off, the pink vest top I had on was all stained with milk I had leaked in the night - attractive or what!

It would have also been better if the dog in question wasn't such a mongrel! Talk about Lady and the Tramp! I have now made a call to the vet to reluctantly get her spayed.

Things with the wee man are generally going okay. Most days are wonderful - yesterday was a nightmare. Adam cried for the best part of the day - and would not feed properly. We are having issues with the breastfeeding. Some days he latches on, some days he doesn't. I can't be bothered to go into the details, its too long winded and to be frank all quite boring, but I am going to persevere for a few more days and if I am still as exasperated as I was yesterday, we will have to come up with a new plan.

The thing is, I don't mind going on to formula in one way, but it seems such a shame as I have an abundance of milk!

The girls from my ante-natal classes have been my saviours. We met all those weeks ago when we were still pregnant and since then we have been meeting up every Wednesday to catch up and compare notes. They are often more useful than the professionals. They are certainly more honest.

Today I went to the dream and scream performance of The Reader at Eden Court. It was brilliant - with a lot of nudity and the ending was a little odd.

On that note - I must dash, Adam is starting to cry again and it is bath and bedtime - I love my son, but some days I can't wait until this time of night when he is out of sight - but never out of mind!

Saying goodbye to 2008

2009-01-08T08:44:03Z

I forgot to write yesterday how I was sad for 2008 to end. I have said before how bringing in the bells is always emotional for me - I don't know why, it's just always been like that.

But as December 31 approached, I realised I didn't want this year to end. It has been the best year of my entire life and although I know it is daft, I felt that come the 1st of January, a door would close on that wonderful year and all the good stuff might stop.

I read back on my blog from the end of 2007 and I wrote how I had no particular hopes and dreams for 2008 and that I just wanted to plod along and not plan to much.

In the end, me and the joiner ended up doing one of the most significant things you can ever do - we had Adam.

For the first time in years, I really truly feel totally at peace. I no longer have a deep, deep pain in the darkest deepest pit of my stomach panicking that I won't achieve what I now know is the mot important thing in my life - having a family. Me and the joiner have achieved it. I would still love more babies - I want three more if possible, but to be honest, if Adam is all we have - I am happy with my lot.

Adam has brought me and the joiner more joy than I ever could have imagined.

Like last year, I have no particular hopes and dreams for 2009. My main one is to enjoy our boy. We have plans to go to many baby classes such as story time, maybe baby yoga, swimming etc. But most importantly I just want to maximise my time with him - before too long it will be time for me to return to work and already that thought gives me butterflies. Being a mum is just too much fun.

If I could inhale Adam I would - I can't get enough of him.

However, I want to do a few bits and bobs for me - I need to get fit again. I have a wibbly wobbly tummy for the first time ever and I can't stand it. I just need a kick up the backside to get me going. Since the C-section I don't really know my body anymore, so I don't trust it and I don't know what it is capable of. My new fitness regime - if you can call it that - will be slow and steady, but I'll get there.

For my mind I plan to read more - that is if I get the time. I don't know what I want to read - I don't really care, I just know that when we were in Stirling I managed to read two books and it made me remember how much joy I get from it.

We also have bigger plans for the vegetable patch which we will have to start sorting again in February. I can't actually remember what we have planned as we drew up the plans last Autumn, but they are all written down and ready to go.

One of the best things about doing the veg patch again is that it will mean that Adam who will be carted along with me, will get to spend lots of time with his great grandparents who obviously love him to pieces.

So, unlike last year which was momentous, this year will probably be a lot quieter and more steady, however, I thought that last year, and by February I was pregnant, so you never know.